During the hotter part of the day (and the days have turned very hot in the last month), it pays to shelter and recover one’s strength. It can be a time for daydreaming, or contemplation, as I prefer to call it. The balcony of our bahay kubo provides plenty of shelter, but for some reason, the bamboo balustrade reminds me of a joke I first read in a college rag-mag back in the 1970s…
The Four Ages of Man
Physical Therapeutical Spa – hands on (Satire)
Having spent five minutes reacquainting myself with this invigorating article, I completed my training as a fully qualified Gravity-defying Treatment Therapist.
In true Filipino copycat fashion, I am delighted to declare the opening of the SBK Spa & Wellness Retreat.
At the SBK Spa & Wellness Retreat, Catagman, we offer a non-evasive chest firming treatment promising instant firmer results for at least one participant. The SBK treatment makes use of a few garden herb extracts containing natural stuff that stimulates growth. It will help firm body parts by lengthening and branching the ducts.
Now the real question is how does it work? This is something you don’t need to ask. As quack therapists, we can assure you that this treatment is hugely beneficial for us. The treatment is basically a 45-minute breast massage. Our fully trained therapist will apply 10-15 drops of firming treatment oil around each breast and massage it until their hands drop off. The oil contains active ingredients like Cornoil, Olive oil and Twostroke additive. These magical ingredients stimulate circulation in the body which increases the blood flow – you have my word, I can feel the blood flow as I write.
Once the subject is fully greased up, the therapist will apply a Troy ounce of E-Action Cream around the breast and will massage it again with what’s left of their stumps until fully absorbed. The E-Action cream contains: a lot of ginger. The cream reinforces skin elasticity, thereby firming and lifting skin tissues to prevent sagging. It also stimulates the tightening of loose flabby tissues. This may sound like a contradiction (elasticity vs sagging prevention) but we know what we’re doing.
Edilberto Blanco-ciecco, EVP and CEO of SBK Philippines, guaranteed that his breast firming treatment does not enlarge the breast. It will only firm sagging skin which will make the breasts look naturally fuller. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
“We use natural products traight from our own backyard and some unnatural ones from our garden shed. We are backed by 401 Corporation, you can look them up on the internet. So our clients can be sure that our products are perfectly safe and effective,” he added “for us”.
SBK also has a 120-minute breast spa package that comes with a 90-minute Swedish massage – would-be therapists are queueing up at our gates to get some practice. If you are squeamish, you can do the treatment by yourself in the comfort of your own home, but you’ll be missing half the fun. The breast firming set is available at the spa and in some department stores, and in your kitchen cabinet and local service station.
“The breast firming set is available at our spa and in our Local Sari-sari for Local People. The treatment works the same when they do it at home. It works for men too [works for me! – ed]. Sagging is a universal problem when people age and lose weight,” he said.
Blanco-ciecco also explained that for most women, the reactivation of the mammary glands and the development of breast tissue take about a
few many weeks months, but noticeable firmness can be seen after the first application. “Once we’ve got them hooked, they’ll never get away,” he said.
The 45-minute Breast Firming Treatment costs P650.00 while the Breast Firming Spa Package costs 899.00. The Breast Firming Set retails at P3, 000.00. That’s right, we’ll pay you for this service!
SBK is an Anglo-Filipino owned and operated spa and wellness company that specializes in not taking itself too seriously, unlike some other places.
This fellow need not apply!